Brushes With Adulthood

Sometimes I wish I’d written everything important down. Every encouraging word, every moment of pure joy, every kiss, every hope and dream. All those little things are so easy to forget, and if only I had taken a few seconds to cast those memories into real words so they wouldn’t slip through the holes of memory.

I don’t remember when my Grandma gave me this bracelet. Perhaps for Christmas or my birthday or just because. She was excellent at just pure giving. I remember she said she loved turquoise and that is why she got it when she was younger, but I cannot remember the story she would have told when she gave it to me. I think it is beautiful, but like so many things, I cherish it because it was once hers.

I slept until 10:30 am this morning.  Then, at three I took a nap until almost six.  It’s so nice not to have to worry about screwing with my sleep schedule.  Also nice? My parent’s cat all cuddled next to me.  While they’re in California I come over for a few hours, feed the cat, and borrow their elliptical machine.  I miss having pets sometimes–something furry to cuddle.  Since R. is horribly allergic to all things furry, I have to get my fix from parent’s cat: El Gato (commonly called Kitty).

My grandma hated cats, so I have no idea why she had this.  But, she did–it was in her bedroom I believe, with her paperweight collection.  Last summer my Mom came home with a box full of Grandma’s knickknacks.   Me and my sisters each got a few things.  No one wanted poor little blue kitty, so I took him home.

I keep him on the top of the stove.

In exactly 22 minutes, I will be released! I don’t think even my students are as excited as I am for this 10 day respite.

And, since I know you’re all DYING to know what I’ll be doing with my 10 days (besides taking pictures of myself jumping on the bed), here’s a sneak peek!

1) I have vowed to stay up as late as I want and sleep as late as I want and damn the consequences! Usually I am afraid to get off a normal sleeping schedule because I do have trouble sleeping, but I say screw it!

2) Work on the 3 chapters of my thesis that are due the first week of May that I should have been working on the past two months. Unfortunately, this school work takes precedence because April isn’t going to be a month of time for me to do such things.

3) Grade, organize, plan so that I have to do as little as possible in those departments upon my return. Starting Easter weekend, my life is going to go crazy–wedding stuff, wedding, moving into house–all things that require a lot of time. So, I need to get as much work done so that April I can focus on my life and have the teaching part be all taken care of.

4) Clean “The Closet.” I’ll explain this later–and document it with photos. Sheer words can not explain what I will be tackling.

5) State taxes. Need to do these.

6) Clean the entire apartment, getting rid of excess crap we don’t need when we move into the house.

7) Some wedding odds and ends (Flower girl dresses, shoes for me and bridesmaids, addressing things)

Not exactly the most fun list (especially in comparison to my family who is off to gallivant around California), but I think I am in the state of mind where I just need to have some time for me, going at my own pace. Hopefully the weather will stay nice and I can also go out exploring/experimenting with the new camera as well.

I have written about 4 posts that can be summed up this way:

I am feeling pathetic.  I am wallowing in pity for myself and myself alone.  Oh, poor me.  Boo-hoo.

Then, I delete each moaning, self-indulgent post and stare at a blank screen, asking myself what boils down to this:

What do I want?  What do I want?  What do I want?  And more importantly, How Do I Get It?

And over and over again my brain slams itself against the walls of my skull and says, I DON’T KNOW–YOU SUCK.

No one wants to read that post.

Write, Bitch, Delete, Scoff, Write, Bitch, Delete, Scoff.

In the past few weeks I’ve been feeling apathetic about this blog.  Minus the whole weird gazelle explosion, my readership is way down and my content hasn’t been too great either (connection?).  I have been struggling and wondering and pondering and have yet to come up with any solutions.  I begin to think–maybe I should just pack it all in and start a new blog elsewhere.  This pings back and forth in my head–Yes, it would be a fresh start and you would get fresh material.  –No, you need to stick with what you’ve got.

My brain usually sides with the no side… for a while.  But, I’m at about the 6 month mark with this blog, and that’s always when my blogging fingers get itchy.  Over the past 3 years, I have had about 5 blogs.  And, I always get to this point where I don’t know what to write, no one is reading anyway, so why bother–let’s start something new.

This time around, I am determined to stick it through.  A new blog space is not the answer to the age old problem.  I think sticking around is the answer.  I just have to reevaluate and rethink the current space.

Right now that reevaluating has everything to do with finding cohesion.  As a “personal” blogger, I struggle to find a cohesiveness with what I write about.  When I first started this blog, I figured my cohesive hook would be the time in my life–that bumpy struggle into adulthood.  But, believe it or not, adulthood is a pretty damn big topic.  So big that it’s really just me yapping about my rather boring life.  I have always been and will always be boring–and I like it that way.  But, whatever personality I have oftentimes seems to miss the mark in terms of translating into blog life.

And, I think the hardest part is that it’s not about how many readers or comments I have.  It’s not about what other people want to hear, it’s a blog for ME.  And that means I have to figure out what ME wants and who ME is and then translate it into my own personal style–I don’t think I’m there yet.

In the end, I’m not complaining about my stats or who does or does not read.  I am thinking, pondering, assessing–and for me, the best way to do that is write.  I’m going to be experimenting with some change around here–some noticeable/some not.  And in the process, I’m trying to figure out what this blog is and what it means to me and why I feel so compelled to do it.

If you have wordpress, you know that there is a stat counter with a “best day ever” mark that notes the day and amount of your most blog views.  Already by 7am, today was my “best day ever.”  Why?

Apparently, people really like gazelles.

Months ago, I wrote a post about a guy on Jeopardy who talked about his gazelle-loving girlfriend and traipsing around New York with a life sized stuffed gazelle and how I thought was a LAME story.  Then, yesterday someone posted a picture of a girl with a life sized stuffed gazelle, apparently on a NYC street as a comment to that post.  Since then, this old post has gotten over 40 views (to some of you this may not seem  lot, but this blog averages 10 views a day).

If I knew anything about gazelles I would write a blog devoted to them, because apparently they have a large following.

Do something for me?  Go read this.

Then, look at this–sent to me by someone who thought my position on gazelle obsession was ill-informed.

Really?  Really?  Really?

Huh.

Welcoming the newest member of my family:

So, spring break is officially 1 week away.  ONE WEEK.  I am giddy.  I need this break–I really need it.  I have much to accomplish in those beautiful, blissful days of not waking up early and not dealing with teenagers.  But, I need your help.  Besides cleaning the closet, planning lessons through April (so I can get through my wedding and moving into a house with minimal outside school-related work), and watching my soaps every day–I want to read, man.  But not just any reading.

I need a book that is going to inspire me.  I need a book that I won’t be able to put down.  I need something that will renew my faith in something anything.  A book that will make me feel active.  A book that will remind my brain that there is a good writer buried deep down in there somewhere.  A book that will refresh me from my winter dulldroms.

Books that have done this for me in the past:

Prodigal Summer, Barbara Kingsolver

Gone With the Wind, Margaret Mitchell

Small Wonder, Barbara Kingsolver

Bird By Bird, Anne Lamott

Red Terry Tempest Williams

One Writer’s Beginnings, Eudora Welty

Persuasion, Jane Austen

I need your help.  What books inspire you?  What should I give my precious time to over break?

You know on other blogs they give away great prizes?  Yeah, all I’ve got is my eternal gratitude–that’s just as good as a $100 gift card, right?