So, ever since we announced our wedding date (did I mention it’s in THREE MONTHS and I am CRAZY?) I can’t  help but think about how all this wonderful might turn out inexplicably disastrous.  I’m not used to this much happening to me at once–let alone all this good.  And, really, it’s been a while since I’ve been so happy that I’ve immediately thought, “okay, what is going to go wrong to ruin all this?” 

A while... back to when R. and I first started dating and everything went relatively smoothly and I kept wondering when something was going to go wrong.  Not that we were perfect or so deliriously in love we didn’t get irritated with each other–it was just R. was my first relationship EVER.  At that time, most of my friends had been through at least one failed relationship and I couldn’t help wondering what would go wrong to derail us.  It felt so perfect and it felt so right–I don’t know if I felt like I didn’t deserve it or that happiness just didn’t last, but I was convinced something–anything–would go wrong.

And nothing really did.  We’ve had our ups, our downs, our fights, our irritations, but there was never that sense of “will we make it?”  We just did.  

But I’m back there wondering how the awesomeness of building our very own home and the craziness of actually having a wedding and all this good stuff going on is going to be taken irrevocably away.  I have visions of R. dying awful fiery deaths–or basically anyone I love.  My mind seems overcome with visions of fiery death.  And then I berate myself for not having the ability to enjoy the happy–and deal with whatever comes WHEN it comes.  But, part of me is afraid to enjoy it–as if by enjoying it and not thinking about all the potential pitfalls God will say, “hah!  Time to rip it away.”

So, I go back and forth:  fiery death!  stop thinking of fiery death!  but what if there is a fiery death!

And then, I eat some more Jell-O 

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